Even if I am yours, I still need to feel wanted by you. Just because you know you got me and you don’t think I am going anywhere anytime soon, it doesn’t give you the right to start treating me so efferently. There shouldn’t be a lack of motivation in wanting to keep me as yours. You should put in twice as much effort to make us move forward, make progress, and make sure my feelings continue to grow. Keep fighting for me.
We all have a secret pain
We all have a tender place
We were born to want more
And no I’m not meant to live alone
But this is the life I know
I was on my way to church and listening to a mix of India Arie and some gospel songs to prepare my mind and heart for morning worship when I song came on and immediately caught my attention. It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard the song before, but I finally listened to the words and found it impossible to switch the song and kept it on repeat for nearly 30 minutes of my 40 minute drive.
"Life I Know" is one of India’s newer songs on her album Songversation. The song basically talks about how even though her life isn’t ideal..she carries on because this is the only life she knows. She has hope for the future that maybe one day it will change,but for now she will remain content with where she is. I am at this point right now. I know things are going to change for me and I know things will make sense eventually but while I’m in between I feel very awkward and misplaced. I watch my classmates graduate from universities, conquer the fashion industry, travel to foreign places, getting engaged/married, creating famililes, and etc., all the while I am here seemingly doing the same things I feel like I have been doing forever…which is trying to find my purpose and my reason for being here. I am chasing after God to fill my void and some days are still better than others. I know God is truly all I need but it would be nice to have an earthly companion who truly gets me.
Maestro and I haven’t been exactly on “normal” terms…and I am not sure if this means we are going downhill or if this is just a rough patch we have to get through. We disagree a lot more lately (mostly because of me and my emotions and the way I perceive certain things he does) and I do not feel as connected to him anymore. Fridays have reverted back to date night with his friends and Saturday has become just another day for him to spend with his brother and family. Sunday I try to stay around and keep our routine of spending Sunday evening together, but he would much rather play video games…conversations on the phone are becoming fewer and further in between and as each moment passes I feel a wedge coming between us.
I wanted so many things for us…but I am slowly starting to see that vision fade to a harsh reality. It seems like it’s a fight to get him to spend time with me. I’m tired of it.
I sit in bed and wish on falling debris
Hoping that somewhere, somehow I will find me
No one understands love and I am starting to think no one will
Sometimes I wish time would just stand still
This is the life I know.
I still get jealous when I see people my age with what I thought I would have by now…I know I’m young but I have ALWAYS wished for a family of my own (mine sucks).
BUT I rest assured because God has me and whatever happens will be in his will.
I often worry about things that are out of my control (which would be an obvious thing to notice after reading some of my blog entries).
I wish I didn’t constantly think all of the time…it’s like the conversations never go off in my head (its a blessing and a curse). I hurt for myself…I hurt for myself because when I observe myself and the things around me I almost feel like life is working against me…I often feel like life is working against me.
I have been in a battle between my flesh and my spirit for a few years now, but lately I almost feel tormented and torn.
What is God’s plan for my life? What am I doing here?
Constant questions stream through my mind. I was so sure of who I was and now I find myself in doubt about a lot of things. BUT the one thing that does remain a sure thing is that I know that I am God’s daughter…I am a child of a king.
When you start to learn your identity in Christ..your worldly identity suddenly doesn’t matter anymore.
We took our pictures and I must say after taking them I feel so much better about how everything is going. We are on the same page for the most part and that makes me very happy.
He asked me if I was sad about our pictures not being engagement pictures. At first I did play the “eww no I don’t really care” role, but I was honest with him and myself and said that on a serious note I was kinda sad but it really didn’t matter. He then responded by saying that I just need to “hang in there” (which is what I’m doing anyway lol)
I wasn’t planning on leaving him if he wasn’t ready to get married anyway. I really love him and he’s worth waiting for (but of course like any girl I don’t want to wait forever).
Currently I am on the hunt for a real job…something to keep my mind occupied and something that I will enjoy doing everyday. I just need to be able to make some real money because what I am making now really isn’t cutting it anymore. I want to eventually be able to get my own apartment and a cheetah print couch to call my own before I get married to Maestro.
One thing that does remain constant lately is the fact that I am always busy..today is the first day in a while that I have been able to sit in bed (but unfortunately while sitting here i have still been doing tons of work.)